This morning, I received an email from my executive assistant. It said, “I thought of that right after I sent the message.” In this case, she had suggested an idea that was not in line with our plans, and I said “no,” and told her why not. She ended her message with, “lesson learned: don’t send emails when I’m tired.”

That’s a good lesson. And we can take it deeper, because a lot of people send emails that aren’t on target (to put it politely) during the day, too. How about taking the old saw from builders, “measure twice, cut once,” and apply it to the Information Age: “Think twice, click once.”

I know of a number of horror stories – including some that did serious damage to careers and opened the door to lawsuits - that resulted from someone sending something out without thinking twice.

And its not just email or texting. What about our words? There’s an ancient Chinese maxim that I’ve turned into a practice. “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” What if we listen to what we’re about to say before we open our mouths, and ask all three questions about what we’re thinking. We can revise our ideas or our choice of words, and then what we say will be much less distressing and much more effective.

And sometimes, checking twice isn’t enough. When human systems run out of control, we end up taking great risks unnecessarily. The destruction of the Space Shuttle Challenger and the BP Gulf Oil Spill are both examples of this. The rule in the design of the Space Shuttle was that three different things must fail before catastrophic damage will occur. And even so, we’ve lost two shuttles and their crews. In addition to triple-checking, we need to fix systems that are running out of control

To err is human. But, as humans, we can be aware, and catch our errors and correct them before they go too far. There’s a great movie, The Dish, that shows how everyone can make mistakes, but, as a team, still do amazing things – like go to the moon.

One way to be a leader is to accept and correct our own mistakes, and lead by example, giving others a chance to make mistakes, and also to correct them and contribute to success.

The essence of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is that, if each individual is independent (habits 1 through 3) and seeks interdependence (habits 4-6) and does good self-care (habit 7), then the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And its not just a bit greater, it’s synergy (habit 6) which can lead to results 50 times more powerful than the same people working alone.

Here’s a simple example of synergy. Suppose we need to move 5 heavy blocks, each weighing 100 pounds. Suppose one worker can lift 50 pounds, and the other, 70. Working alone, no blocks can be lifted. Some extra cost – pushing, getting a forklift, whatever – is needed. But if the two work together, each picks up one end of the block, and the work is done in minutes.

The benefits of synergy are even greater when the two talents are different. Writers are often terrible editors, and vice-versa. In fact, writers and editors often don’t like each other. Creative people and precise people often don’t get along.

But when we can work well with people who don’t think the way we do, we get great results. (That’s also the essence of a great marriage: In 25 years I’ve learned that my wife and I can have a lot more fun if we quit trying to understand one another!)

The problem is that whenever a team – even just two people – don’t have positive synergy, they have negative synergy. Things don’t just plug along. Instead, they get 50 times worse!

That’s why I talk about vampires and werewolves.

These days, people often talk about emotional vampires – people who suck you dry. And there are more and more popular books and movies like Twilight and Moon Called, that are about vampires and werewholves living with us today.

The Vampire – the team member who is not independent

A strong team member is self-led and self-managed. People who aren’t create a management vacuum. They are not managing their own work well. This forces the team leader or business owner into a double-bind, a choice with no good answer. If we don’t manage the work, then the project fails or the business loses money. If we take over and manage, we undercut the employee’s independence, and lose synergy. Micromanagement is a co-dependent work relationship. The worker is not independent, and the leader is substituting for the worker, instead of doing his or her own job. In structure, this is the same problem that happens in a dysfunctional relationship where one adult partner is not mature and self-responsible, perhaps due to addiction or psychological issues.

In business, the only good solution is prevention – all employees should be trained in self-leadership and self-management, and those who don’t achieve both promptly should be let go by the end of a probationary period.

The Werewolf – the independent worker who isn’t a team player

Werewolves don’t suck you dry – they rip you apart.

Werewolves are independent. They lead themselves and manage themselves very well.

Unfortunately, they also think win-lose. They think, “I win by eating you. You win by eating me. Who wins, and who ends up as lunch?”

The worst examples look like this: An independent consultant you hire as a sub-contractor who steals your clients; or a worker in a big organization who makes his boss look bad to get him fired and take his job.

But there are milder versions. There are the werewolves who just keep doing things their own way. There are the ones who work well, but won’t help a new team member get up to speed. There are the ones who get the work done, but keep all the knowledge in their heads, instead of delivering it to the organization. They’re protecting their territory. They think they have job security. But they’re actually pulling the whole company down around their heads.

With werewolves, we can sometimes have a working relationship by setting a clear, distant relationship with a very strong contract. But that kind of relationship gives us little synergy.

How Rare it is to be Human

Our society idolizes and idealizes independence, and creates a lot of werewolves. Our educational system doesn’t teach emotional intelligence, and our economy doesn’t allow much time for good parenting, and that creates a lot of needy vampires. The result is that there are very few human beings around any more – if there ever were.

You will find some people who are human – independent and good on teams – in well-structured work environments when there isn’t too much pressure. Some of them will fall apart, though, if they face economic or family pressure. Others can do well in safe, predictable environments, but not as well in the more flexible environment of small business. The more creative the people, the higher level of self-leadership is needed. The more rapidly everything is changing, the more likely fear will bring out the werewolf in an otherwise reliable person.

The Dance of the Team

Picture a dance. The vampires are weak and hungry, and trying to get a grip on you and get to your neck. The werewolves are strong, but, if you get too close, they’ll rip you apart.

Not a nice picture, is it? But its more or less the dysfunctional workplace we have in America today.

Let’s change the picture. Imagine a dance where everyone is human. We all stand up ourselves. We are all comfortable being close to one another, and sometimes stepping out in front – or stepping aside – too. Some like it fast; others like it slow. Some like to tap. Some like to swirl. Some like to toss others in the air, and some like to be tossed.

That is the dance of true teamwork. That is the image of a business that nourishes – and requires – healthy self-leadership and self-management. Such a team does the best for everyone involved – not just win-win, but win-win-all-the-way-around.

This morning, I was reading Common Purpose: How Great Leaders Get Organizations to Achieve the Extraordinary. The author, Joel Kurtzman, quoted Ramit Varma, cofounder of Revolution Prep, a dymanic, successful education company, saying that, when dissent is the manifestation of a perpetually negative mind . . . “You must be brutal and quick. When someone doesn’t work out, you have to get rid of them. And you have to do it fast. If they don’t uphold your values and vision, if they don’t come around to your goals, they can do real damage.”

I am not comfortable with this.

And also, I see it is true, and essential.

It makes sense to accept the truth of it, and also to accept that it must always remain an uncomfortable truth.

On one hand, far too many companies and organizations and people in leadership positions in this country have become comfortable being brutal. This leads to fear in the workplace, which destroys the quality of our lives and quality of work and results. “Eliminate Fear in the Workplace” was #8 of Deming’s 14 points of Total Quality Management, and, in my view, the most important.

And on the other hand,  far too many organizations and people in leadership positions have ducked their heads and avoided necessary clarification and action. especially when that action means ending a business relationship. Most companies and organization live with perpetual discomfort, stress, and confusion. This perpetuates hassle and waste, another source of reduced quality of life, products, and services.

Act Decisively to Create and Maintain Synergy

It is simply true that success requires synergy. And synergy requires both parties acting with mutual respect and with common goals.

It is a leader’s responsibility to see with clarity.

It is a leader’s responsibility to stop damage to an organization, just as it is a surgeon’s responsibility to stop bleeding.

In a well-run organization, emergency surgery is rare. But, in any organization or organism, when emergency surgery is necessary, it should be done immediately, and done well. That’s basic and definitional. Emergency means immediate action is required. And surgery must always be done well; sloppy surgery leads to disease and death.

Symbolically, such actions are represented by the Sword. In society, it is Athena’s Sword of Justice. The Sword is the symbol of mind, clarity, and decisiveness. The Sword – or scalpel – cuts quickly and precisely.

Why must we act with swift precision at these times? To save lives and prevent illness and suffering.

That’s obvious in the medical emergency room. It is equally true in the business emergency. If a business is bleeding red ink or losing employees or morale or productivity because there is a conflict at the executive level, it must be resolved swiftly. If attempts to resolve it with the person do not work out quickly, then it may be best to let that person go. And, if so, the surgery is best done quickly and cleanly. And the same truth scales down all the way to the small shop and the individual worker.

And that is usually the best for everyone involved.

When win-win is not possible, no deal is the best option. Moving to it directly helps everyone.

Firing Should Happen Rarely

But let’s be clear. Firing should happen rarely. Why? For two reasons:

• Respectful dissent is essential to organizational success. We need eveyrone in the company coming up with better and better ideas all the time. We need people to promote their ideas, and challenge ours. Leaders destroy an organization by cultivatign fear and creating yes-men under them. If we fire people too quickly, we quash dissent.
• Good hiring prevents firing. If we make the decision to hire well at the beginning, then we rarely need to fire anyone. So, every time we let someone go – and when someone leaves as a result of a conflict in the business, it is important to perform a root cause analysis and learn how to prevent such events. In most cases, that will mean changing hiring practices or changing ourselves and our own fundamental attitudes. By and large, leaders create the conflicts and problems within their organizations.

Firing Should Be Done Well

If firing, done well, helps everyone, that means that, when a leader fires someone and does it well, the person he fires is better off. Or, at least, every effort is done to create the possibility that the person being fired is better off.

Firing might be compared to the complicated surgery of separating Siamese twins. The goal is two healthy children. But, sometimes, even doing our best, only one child can survive.

As leaders of organizations, our first responsibility is the health and success of the organization or company we lead.

But, higher than that, as human beings, our first responsibility is “First, do no harm.” So we also act with concern for the person who is leaving the organization.

I have been fired, and it was healthy for me.  I couldn’t grow in that organization. So it made sense that the leader of the organization insist that I be transplanted somewhere else.

In a garden, transplanting creates shock. But if the plant being moved survives the transition and moves to a better place – more sun, bigger pot, or the freedom of the yard with deep earth, then that plant is better off.

So, when firing, do not cast away weeds. People are not weeds. Transplant what does not work. Nourish the person who is leaving, and, when possible, encourage them to find a place that they can grow.

A friend asked me  how to make a leadership decision, a strategic decision.

Here’s how I do it.

First, I say to myself, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life. What I decide today and act on from here forward with commitment and conviction will create my future.”

Then I say, “I am a free human being. I am able to make this choice and act on it.”

Then I read my mission and vision aloud.

Then I state my choice aloud with clarity. For example, “Will I join this organization? Will I take this class?”

Then I ask, “Will doing this thing be the best way to achieve my vision and mission?” I can make a yes/no decision on one item, and I can also compare among alternatives.

I then look at this decision and ask, “Does doing this go against any of my values?” I read my values, and make sure that I can do this thing without violating my values.

If the thing I am choosing to do passes these tests, it is the best choice to make towards my visio and mission, within my values. Either I do it, or, if I don’t do it, it is what I give up. It is my opportunity cost.

Then I ask, “Can I do this?” If it seems impossible (too expensive, too much time, friends won’t like it), I pay attention to that. But I’m not limited by it. People do things that are called “impossible” all the time. Usually these pioneers leave a trail behind, and what was called “impossible” is now called “routine” by all the followers in the world. The world’s followers said that airplanes were impossible. The Wright Brothers and other leaders ignored that. Now, the world’s followers fly on airplance all over the world every day.

Most leadership decisions are risky. It is crucial to be realistic. It pays to be careful. But often, it does not pay to be cautious.

Caution is often fear in disguise. Leaders don’t let fear stay hidden. Leaders feel fear, and face it, and do what is truest to themselves and best for all.

A realistic decision does not bow to fear. But it does listen to fear.

For example, 95% of all new businesses fail in the first five years. If you’re launching a business, that’s a reason to be scared. But don’t run away. Instead, ask, “How can I make sure my business will be one of the 5% that succeeds?”

Even though 80% of new franchises succeed (or so I’ve heard), I’ve spoken to several franchise managers who tell me of important facts the franchiser did not tell them, facts that they wished they’d known before buying into the frachise. The solution: be bold – and do your homework. Take risks, and be responsible for preventing those pesky risks from blocking your path to success.

Then I ask, “How will doing this affect others in my life, and the balance of my life?” Again, it may throw my life off balance. That is not necessarily a reason not to do it. Rather it says, “This is a big decision. This decision is meant to change my life.” Most likely the best choice is to go for being great, and then pay attention to life balance.

When we choose what will take us most truly on the way to our vision and mission, and take care of our whole lives in balance, then we are truly leading our lives. Maslow calls such people self-actualized. We might think of self-actualized people as free, and also as masters of their lives. Traditional trades used to guide people through three levels of expertise: Apprentice (beginner); Journeyman (fully capable worker); and Master (Independent, creative craftersperson who can run his or her own business). Learning to be a leader is not just technical. Yes, we must be good at what we do to be a Master. But, more importantly, we are called  to master our fears and lead our lives.

Live Boldly – Live Realistically – Create Your Life!

Leadership calls for – and develops – freedom and clarity. 

I recommend that we all free ourselves and get clear every day. That way we can lead ourselves and lead stellar lives. We are ready to make a great decision when we can answer a yes to each of these questions:

• Do you have a VMV (vision, mission, and values statement)?
• If you own a business, do you have a VMV  for your business?
• Do you read your VMV aloud every day?
• Is it up to date?
• Do you feel in charge of your life?
• Do you feel free in each of your roles and relationships?
• Do you have a clear process for making decisions?
• Do you know how to feel fear, and do what you want to do and are called to do anyway?
• Do you have tools for thinking outside the box, and do you use them regularly?

If you can answer “yes” to all these questions, then you are ready to make leadership decisions. If you answer “no” to any of them, I encourage you to increase your freedom and capability – starting this week!
To learn how to discover your own vision and mission, and make it real, learn about Leadership Coaching and Contact me.

Driving to a meeting this morning, on a 2-lane road. I saw the sign “Left Lane Closed.”

And then the sign appeared, “Right Lane Ends.”

I started to laugh. I felt like I’d hit the end of the road.

Isn’t this what life is like for a lot of small business owners right now?

• We need help, but we can’t hire good people.
• We need to borrow cash to grow, and there’s no money to be found.
• We rely on an employee, and that employee becomes ineffective or unavailable.
• We need our computer to work, and it never does.
• We pay for top-notch service, and it doesn’t come through.

What do we do when we run out of options? What do we do when the left lane is closed and the right lane ends? What do we do when we’re running full speed ahead – into a brick wall?

Leaders return to essence, to what is essential.

That may mean:

• Rolling up our sleeves and doing it ourselves
• Really taking time to find the right person, product, or service
• Stopping, taking true, clear retreat time, and asking: What is really happening here? And: What do I really want to do and achieve?

Real retreat time doesn’t necessarily mean a vacation. It  may mean a few hours with the cell phone turned off, out for a walk, at a favorite cafe, or holed up in your office. I hire myself as a coach and take a walk and go talk to myself – aloud. Who cares if I look nuts? What matters is I know that that can solve a $10,000 problem.

We come back to what is essential. What does my business do? Why am I doing it? And, how can I do it right now?

We come back to essence: our current purpose and motivation, which we discover within.

We trust ourselves.

My laughter in the car was a sign of trust. And sure enough, the left lane was closed, the right lane ended, and there was a way to drive through on a median to the next intersection. At the intersection, I could go forward, or right, or left. I had plenty of options.

More great, lasting businesses were started during the Great Depression than any other time in US history. Challenging times call forth creativity and leadership. So, let’s squeeze through the narrow places. Let’s barrel through the brick walls. Let’s trust oruselves, and learn what we our truly made of.

Let’s trust our essence and keep going until we reach the crossroads.

How do limitations affect your life and leadership?

Most people live within their limitations. When hearing a new idea that excites them, the first thought is, “but I can’t do that, because” or “I can do that, but . . .”.

There are two types of limitations: internal and external. Internal limitations are about self-image and skills. A clear thinker and social commentator that I know writes about his views. But he holds back, thinking, “I’m only an economist.” He’s more than that: I learned a lot about social transformation from him. But he won’t let himself live to his full capacity. When people say, one way or another, “But I don’t know how to do that.” they live within their limitations.

Dropping Limitations

What if we drop these identities, and say, “I’m a person, and I can do what I want to do”?

What if we drop the projection of the past onto the future? Then “I don’t know how to do that” becomes “I don’t know how to do that yet!” And “I don’t do that” becomes, “Wow! I’ve never done that before!”

Then there are external limitations like, “I want to, but my wife/husband won’t agree,” or “my friends don’t do that.”

I’ve found that, when a person really commits to something, those who truly like and love him make room for it in their lives. Most often, when we commit, our friends and loved ones become enthusiastic supporters.

Leadership Challenge and Change

Leadership must include some degree of challenge and change – especially challenge and change to our limitations.

Most limitations are in our heads. But some are real. We won’t know the difference until we test them. And we can test them by picking a goal – something new and different – and working to make it happen. To reach a new, different goal, we must work in new, different ways. That means leaving some past limitations in the dust.

Leadership Style and Power

Your leadership style and power depends largely on your relationship to your limits.

• If you don’t test limits at all, you can’t lead.
• When we try only one small new thing, thinking that the way we’ve been in the past won’t change much, we’ll see incremental improvement – small steps – but not transformation. We’ll be leaders and appear courageous to those who are so afraid that they don’t change at all.
• When we take on new things regularly and often, we will see growth and change in our lives and inspire others around us. That is leadership within the limits of our self-image and life, testing and slowing outgrowing those limits.
• When we pick a big goal – something really new – and make time to make it work – and go at it with commitment, not just to do it, but to do whatever it takes and make it work - then we break through limitations quickly. We enter the world of transformation.
• When we consistenty take on new, big goals and different things, we stop identifying with our limitations, and begin to see that we are not our limitations, then we are doing consistent transformative work. Then we are transformational leaders, taking others in new directions.

Real and Illusory Limitations

Illusory limitations – the ones in our heads – are created by confusion and fear. They are based on past experience.

Real limitations are based on who we are. For example, I can’t flap my wings and fly.

If we don’t respect real limitations, we put ourselves in danger. A man who thinks he can flap his wings and fly might climb up on a roof and jump off and hurt himself. A more realistic example came in my life after I launched my first business: I thought I could help a friend launch hers. After all, I knew what I was doing! Well, that wasn’t enough. I didn’t have the focus, back then, to keep one business running and launch another. So both crashed and burned.

I climbed out of the wreck, learned, and grew.

In the past, my problem around transformation is that I so deeply believed in, and wanted, transformation that I didn’t respect real limitations. That’s a path to burnout. Maybe I read too much heroic science fiction as a kid.

On the other hand, I’d rather burn out that live inside my limitations, live inside what coach Kim George (www.CoachingIntoGreatness.com) calls a “satin-lined coffin.”

The problem is, of course, that we don’t know which limitation is real, and which limitation is an illusion, until we test it out. I bang my head against them. If I break through, it was an illusion. If I get a bad headache, it was real.   

Here are some tips for testing limitations without getting a headache:

• Try to change what you’re saying from, “I don’t do this” to “I’ve never done this until now.“
• See yourself as a person who has done certain things in the past, and can do different things now.
• Consider this: If another person can do it, then I can do it. Maybe not as well. I can’t race the Tour de France like Lance Armstrong. But I did start biking recently. And I could work my way up to going on a bike tour.
• Consider this: Transformation means accepting our humanity and limitations, and also accepting our power to choose and change. Gandhi truly believed that anyone could do what he did, and said so. He also said, “I practice non-violence because I am such an agry person.” When we acknowledge and embrace our limitations, we transform them.
• Consider this: If we dream it, we can do it. Maybe we can’t just flap our arms and fly, but we can invent the airplane. Many of the things I read about and saw in science fiction as a kid are reality now. We have cell phones and satellite phones. In 1967, those were only on Star Trek, and they were called “communicators.” We have hand-held biohazard detection devices. Star Trek called them “tricorders.” Imagination becomes reality; make your dreams real.

Recently, I said to one of my clients, “You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are not your words or actions.”

He asked, “If I’m none of those things, what the heck am I?”

I replied, “You are the person who is free to choose your thoughts, your feelings, your words, and your actions each moment.”

About ten years ago, I was involved in a legal dispute. An excellent New York attorney – a very ethical man and a good friend (yes, there are lawyers like that – the only thing I didn’t like about him was his hourly rate) – told me this: It is always unfortunate for a small business to be involved in a legal dispute. For any case with a value of under $50,000, both sides always lose – all that happens is that the lawyers make money.

He saw this as an unfortunate fact. In a just society, everyone would have an affordable way to seek justice. But, in the US today, that simply doesn’t exist. Court costs, attorneys fees, endless delays and long hassles – not to mention the stress – mean that the cost of any legal battle is greater than any possible benefit, no matter who “wins” the case. It’s lose-lose all the way around.

And that came from a lawyer who really knows his stuff.

In my experience, he’s right. Now, let’s consider affordable alternatives. How can a small business deal effectively with disputes?

1. Prevent lawsuits through good communications, clear agreements, and excellent customer service.
2. Create clear terms for payment.
3. Deliver small pieces of work, ensure customer delight, and get paid frequently.
4. Be willing to refund money and walk away in peace when the customer is not satisfied.
5. Use escrow where appropriate.
6. Perhaps small claims court can be worthwhile in some situations – its an area that – thank goodness – I haven’t explored.
7. Build agreements and contracts that keep us out of court.

Let’s be clear about a few things

I’m not challenging the great American right to a day in court. I’m not talking about personal injury, fraud, or the damages caused by criminal negligence. I’m talking about day-to-day failures of communication and work and business relationships.

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to sue. We all have the right to our day in court. But that is different than saying that it is right to go to court.

The question is: Does it ever make sense for a small business to go to court? And my answer, as a business consultant is: No.

Stay out of court. Why? Here’s the business case: The opportunity cost is too high.

The opportunity cost is too high

There are many ways to say this. A favorite one came from a friend, and my boss over 20 years ago, Steve Foley. Both of us were being treated very badly in a department we both worked for. Eventually, he was forced out and moved on to a great job, and I quit and went on to a great job. On the way, I asked him about his feelings, and he spoke of how unfair it was, and said that, whenever he thought about it, he reminded himself, “You can’t get ahead if you spend your time getting even.”

Steve was right. The opportunity cost of getting what we deserve from a party that injured us, in our society as it is, is just too high. We will succeed by moving on and moving towards what we want, by focusing on getting ahead, not on getting even.

This is what my attorney friend was saying: In any small business case with damages under $50,000, the opportunity cost is too high. And that’s even when you already have a great attorney on retainer and are insured against lawsuits!

How to stay out of court

So, how do we stay out of court? We can all choose not to sue someone. We can decide to look at opportunity cost, and then choose to go for what we want and get ahead, instead of trying to get even.

But we can’t choose not to be sued. I’ve even seen the courts used as a way of stealing intellectual property.

So we need to protect ourselves and our intellectual and physical property.

How do we do this? I would suggest: Write contracts that keep us out of court.

Here are some clauses that can do this:

• limitation of liability – agree on a maximum – such as the amount of payment due in a work for hire contract – that will be an absolute limit to liability. Then the vendor can walk away by returning the client’s money. And the client can walk away by paying double the fee. Both parties know this up front, and they can relax.
• required conflict resolution methods. I use three levels:
  • negotiation: both parties are required to sit down and talk to one another – and document the discussion – before going to court.
  • mediation: the parties will use a mediator who will suggest a resolution
  • binding arbitration: the parties will submit to binding arbitration, which is less expensive than a full court trial. (Unfortunately, binding arbitration has become a slow, cumbersome, and expensive process full of attorneys making money from their clients. Even it should be avoided. That’s why it is the third step.)

With the conflict resolution clause in the contract, if one party does decide to go to court, he will have to show a good faith effort to do all this before he does. Odds are that people will come to their senses before they go to court. And, if they do, the limitation of liability clause keeps cost as reasonable as they can be.

Get help from your lawyer

To my mind, a good attorney for a small business will help you stay out of court. They can choose the right type of agreement and help you write it in a way that ensures a win-win-or-no-deal result. When it doesn’t work, we each walk away from the other, and race ahead in our businesses and our lives.

How bad is it?

There was a case recently in my hometown between a homeowner and a homeowners association. The issue was a $325 fee related to removal of a tree that fell during a hurricane. The total legal fees ended up being over $800,000. The man lost his home and his marriage.

Need I say more?

Am I wrong?

I’m not a specialist in legal matters. In fact, as this article makes clear, I stay away from lawsuits as best I can. So my experience is limited.

If you know of a case where the damages were under $50,000, and someone in small business went into a full court case, and it was worth it, please let me know. I’d love to understand how that can happen.

How does a bad moment become a bad day?

How many times a day do we find ourselves in a difficult situation? Maybe someone comes to us with a problem we thought they solved last week. Maybe a crucial item isn’t delivered on time, or the wrong thing is in the box. Maybe we just woke up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning.
If we take on that problem, we might be heading in the wrong direction, turning a bad moment into a bad day. Even if we solve that problem, how many more have piled up? We’ll spend the rest of the day putting out fires.
There is another way.
In The Angels Within Us, John Price talks about an angel of order and harmony. How often do we think that, if we can just get things organized, if we just fix what’s broken, then we will be happy?
That’s a trap. John Price declares, and I have learned in my own experience, that the first step is to return to joy, to become happy unconditionally. Then problems are easy to solve. Some seem to vanish by themselves.

How do we make a bad moment into a good day?

So, when you’re caught up in things, when you’re having the ultimate bad hair day, try this:
Stop! Breathe! Be happy!
Stop! is what we do when we suddenly see a butterfly. To do it for ourselves, we stop, stand still, and take a breath. We might remember a beautiful scene or a lovely moment. Or we might just be grateful that we have air to breathe, or that we are here and healthy.
Breathe! means to feel the breath and the body. It means to be alive in the moment, whatever is going on. It means to get out of our heads and come alive, right now!
Then we feel happy. And, feeling happy, we restart. We attend to the problem right in front of us.
What does the 30 seconds of Stop! Breathe! Be Happy! give us?
It makes us leaders.
Taking that moment to put ourselves in charge of ourselves puts us in charge of our lives.
We don’t have to solve the problem.
We choose to solve the problem.
And that makes all the difference in the world.

As President Obama takes office, the whole nation is moving into a new generation. Barack Obama is the first Gen X President in US history. Garrison Keillor, on Prairie Home Companion, did a wonderful sketch about this, where Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and John McCain are all wondering where their generation has gone, and what the future will hold.

Each generation has a different vision of society and of leadership. If we want to pass on the torch, we must understand ourselves, understand those who come after, and respect the differences.

If we want organizations – businesses or not-for-profit groups – to survive, we must pass on the torch. How do we do it?

Views of Truth, Authority, and Social Involvement

Two factors make the generational transition of leadership, especially in not-for-profit organization, difficult:
First, each generation has its own view of truth, authority, and social involvement. These views arise from childhood experience, both at home, and of the larger political and social sphere.

From 1900 through WWII, patriotism and respect for authority was high, and the army could recruit with a poster of Uncle Sam pointing a finger and saying, “I want you for the US Army.”

The silent generation remembered, or learned about, their parent’s sacrifices in WW II, and for Korea and Vietnam, the draft was still in place. Until the middle of the Vietnam war, patriotism was still strong. The US Army could recruit with a call to patriotism plus, as individualism increased, commitment to help people improve through training in the military plus education with the GI bill.

The Baby Boomers came into adulthood in the 1960s, and the Vietnam War and the assassinations of the Kennedys and Martin Luther King, Jr. cast doubt on the authority of government institutions. But belief in higher values was still clear. Even if society was not perfect, its ideals were inspiring. People could be called to join organizations – mainstream or protest – in support of ideals. One of those ideals was teamwork, and “Join the People who Joined the Army” was an effective call to action. The view of the world was large, and Life and Look were the magazines of the day.

Most of us in leadership positions these days think this way. And we are puzzled with how to help our younger colleagues see the way we do.

They won’t. Their experience and values are different. The last historical moment we faced was Watergate, where justice did win out over a President committing crimes. After that, with one scandal after another, the era of spin began, and Gen X and Gen Y children do not trust anyone who claims to hold a vision or have a mission.

Individualism is on the increase. Teamwork is no longer an important value. The army can’t use it to recruit: It has moved away from teamwork, first to “Be all that you can be” and then to “An Army of One.” Life and Look were replaced first by People, then by Us, and, most recently, by Self magazine.

Individualism is not a bad thing. Our society, as a free society, will continue to seek the balance between social involvement and individual expression and fulfillment. But valuing individuals is one thing. Being unable to function in teams is something else.

This brings up the second change from one generation of workers to the next. Studies show that basic emotional intelligence skills – such as anger management and the empathy that makes teamwork possible – are decreasing in the US every ten years.

This failure of teamwork arises from the collapse of the family, as well as other social factors. Past generations grew up in a clan of grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins. The 1950s brought in the isolated nuclear family; and children learned fewer social skills. Since the 1980s, most children live with only one parent. Even children with two parents often find that both must work. Children fend for themselves when parents are absent, and some must even struggle to survive when their parents are not functional – suffering from illness, alcoholism, or drug or gambling addictions. These factors are a major aspect of the profile for Gen X, and even more for Gen Y. The result is not so much that they prefer individualism, it’s that many in Gen X and Gen Y never had a healthy experience of community.

The Solution: Individual Mentoring

And yet, the human needs for society and inspiration never go away. They are only frustrated. So we can help our Gen X and Gen Y colleagues by giving them the inspiration and structure that they reject, but also want and need.

The best way to do this is to introduce values in the context of what these people already know. If they are in business, why should it be honest business? What are the values of their particular profession? If they are caring for their own children, why are love and attention important, and how do they do them? Asking questions like these, and providing your own personal answers, without claiming to be an authority, is wonderful guidance that we Baby Boomers can offer Gen X and Gen Y. In my experience, people in Gen X and Gen Y become strongly loyal to those who claim not to know the truth, but to be seeking to discover truth and make life better.

The best organizational tool for this is individual mentoring into useful roles within the organization. Help younger leaders see that they can do good work, survive and thrive, and contribute. Help them see that who they are and what they have to offer are not separate. Help them see that teamwork, honesty, and other key values are actually part of a successful and happy life as an individual, and as part of a team or family.

Making Mentoring Work

Mentoring works because the personal experience of a trustworthy person touches us deeply. This goes to the root of the development of emotional intelligence, where experiential learning can undo childhood conditioning. A child who learns not to trust must learn trust through relationship with a trustworthy colleague or friend.

It is a huge commitment. Being a mentor challenges us to become more reliable, to manage our time better, to communicate well and make things work better than we have in the past.

Being a mentor means growing in leadership, and growing as a person. And helping someone else do the same thing. This is truly Leading From Within, growing, and helping others grow with us.

Mentoring meets the needs of the individualist, while also showing them that the fully happy and healthy individual receives the torch that is passed on, and carries it forward, a leader and light to new generations.